We need to stop holding men to a double standard.
Okay, so what are you bringing to the table?
The question came from a rather exhausted and rather offended man, after I’d explained to him all I expect of a viable dating match. Throughout history and through how our societies are built, men have been the ones expected to provide financial stability in a pairing, not the other way around.
A man ought to own a car. And an apartment. He should have a good job, or at least have strong prospects for the future. To this day, while many of us entertain feminist liberties and notions, such old-fashioned ideas linger. Infamously, young women on dating apps have a list of requirements a mile-long, whereas men are expected to settle for whatever they can get.
Of course, we can afford to be choosy. Statistically, women are far more successful (on dating apps, at least) than the large majority of men, so they can make more demands. Among those, you’ll find the classic tall, dark, and handsome (not to mention a Momoa physique), but also demands of a more material nature.
We want to be taken out someplace nice, and we tend to look down on men who don’t live alone past a certain point. We want someone with a good job, but not one that takes away too much of his time, lest he ignore us. Obviously, these are reasonable demands, but they also force a question that, for many women proves unpleasant — what are you offering?
And what are reasonable demands for a man to have?
If a guy expects a girl to have a high-paying job, he’s instantly a gold-digger.
If he demands an attractive physique, he’s just a f!@kboy, looking for a conquest. He just wants to show her off, and objectify her.
If he expects her to be cultured and well-read, he becomes a snob.
So it would seem, in our rapidly shifting dating game, what’s good for gander is not good for goose.
Though we like to pretend we live in an egalitarian society, where each must do his part, men are still expected to do a little more than women, when it comes to mating. We expect men to be funny, charismatic, chivalrous, smooth, polite, wealthy, and handsome, on the assumption that we’re quite the catch, by default.
But what if we’re not?
When you take an honest look at the people around you, you’ll be staggered to realize that your friends aren’t all that attractive. Not really. Sure, they’re funny, but not that funny. Not the kind of funny that’s an instant people-charmer. And yeah, they look good, but most could do with a few adjustments.
Immediately, when you say that about a woman, it sounds cruel and sexist. But why not when you say it about a man? Many women will freely discuss so-and-so handsome actor in front of their partners, but were the men to start discussing Scarlett Johanson’s attributes, their girlfriends would not only proceed to get offended. They’d feel entitled to.
And you know why?
Because such comparisons imply we might not be good enough. And secretly, we know that might be the case. Because we don’t work on ourselves enough. Right now, the self-help and “working on yourself” movement is huge, but mostly among men, based on the assumption that they’ve got more to work on.
Well, not always. Adepts of the equally obnoxious Red Pill community are told that they’re more than good enough, and that women aren’t worth the hassle, anyway. But the ones who don’t ascribe to that logic and choose to brave the dating game are instantly at a loss. Because they’re not good enough.
On the other hand, we’ve got women who, in the throes of feminist liberation, get told that they’re queens, who are perfect as they are. Love yourself, indulge seems to be the motto for women. If he doesn’t see you as beautiful, forget him. Yet if a man said that to a woman, he’d get branded as an egotist and a psycho. Block the bastard.
Logically, you’d think that women have got it easy here. After all, they get to sit back and get adored and desired, while allowing lowly men to bask in their sunshine. Not quite. While women may ascribe to this “you slay, girl” logic, deep down, they know something’s rotten. Not in them, and not in Denmark, but in our dating world, as a whole.
Working on yourself mentally, emotionally and physically, can be a deeply rewarding experience. It allows you to better understand who you are, alerts you to red flag behaviors, smooths out the kinks, and overall helps you become a better person. That’s very satisfying.
By being told they’re good enough, women are automatically excused from this toil, and implicitly, denied this satisfaction. You need to move away from where you are, to understand what a bad place that was, and if you never move, you’ll never understand why your personal relationships were suffering. Why you were suffering.
And wouldn’t you like to know that?
It is a woman’s nature to seek out a viable mate who might provide her and her potential offspring with financial and emotional security. That’s a given, and largely, that’s a good thing. You should always be aware of what you deserve in a relationship. But you should also try to maintain an awareness of what the other person deserves.
Though it’s far more tempting to obsess over qualities and attributes you want in a partner, your time might be better spent becoming a person other people want to date.
So maybe next time you find yourself in the dating game, or being overly critical of your partner, ask yourself — what am I bringing to the table? You know, it seems simple enough,
Don’t be a people-pleaser, but don’t just assume you’re fine as you are, either.
’Cause maybe you’re not.
