My Beauty Breeds Volatility…?
In today’s charged discussion arena, it certainly feels a little gauche to open up subjects like women, beauty, and the effect it has on men. It’s not long in such a conversation before you’re warned that “beauty is skin-deep”, “appearances don’t matter”, and that “you shouldn’t be so superficial”.
But that’s just the problem… I’m not.
Rather, I’m on the opposite end of this spectrum — I’ve always thought beauty to — indeed — be a superficial, trivial matter, therefore not worthy of my intellect. I’ve placed myself above such trivialities, and in all fairness, always saw conventional attractiveness as an optional add-on in romantic partners.
Which has left me disengaged, and out of touch with my own appearance, and beauty. I’m always struck when sharing the occasional selfie, of the positive reaction, particularly from men. Often, from strangers.
I don’t think of myself as a conventionally attractive person, so am always surprised, and a little out of my depth when someone treats me as such. I feel…
Naive. Clueless. Innocent.
Well, perhaps not the last one. Call it what you will, but I generally assume, when someone’s being nice to me, that they do so out of intellectual interest, or otherwise basic human gentility. My more world-savvy friends soon disabuse me of such notions.
“Obviously he keeps striking conversation, with that profile picture.”
You’ll say I have bad friends. But in such remarks, they’re not downplaying my personal charm, wit, or whatever else. They’re simply more cynical. I always get so flustered, and it’s my own discomfort that pushed me down this rabbit hole that follows.
Self-(un)awareness — the true charmer?
Looking into this, I came across an article in the Berkeley High Jacket, discussing the “predatory roots” of phrases like you don’t know you’re beautiful.
Although normally not my cup of tea, certain parts of the piece spoke to me.
The media has created an unfortunate number of female characters who fit the “you don’t know you’re beautiful” stereotype. These women are unaware of their good looks — despite being the epitome of Western beauty standards — and come across as naive, innocent, and inexperienced. These traits are exactly what draw the attention of some men. Aside from fulfilling men’s desire for control, the female characters who fit this trope are also seen as “untouched” and “pure.”
It seems, as ever, that life imitates art. Or is it the other way around? At 24 years old, I’m in a place where innocence gets ascribed to me by default. Coupled with my own skewed view of physical beauty, I must admit the above situation feels familiar to me.
I’ve met my share of (typically older) men who make a show of tolerating my intellectual pursuits, of humoring my artistic intentions, on behalf of not just my looks, but my cluelessness. Though beautiful, I’m not conniving enough to use that to manipulate, and so, all the more attractive, with the qualities I view as exciting (wit, intellect, humor), swept to one side.
The reason for this upsetting relationship between attractiveness and confidence is quite simple; men see insecure women as easy to control.
And aren’t they?
I’m sure we all know women like that. I know many of us are women like that. So desirous of being seen, acknowledged, appreciated that we’re willing to trade our control and self-worth. This often stems from feeling unappreciated, or even made to feel ugly or worthless in childhood.
It’s heartbreaking to me that, instead of addressing that initial incident that seeded the self-doubt, we’d allow manipulative individuals to assuage our fears, and fill that proverbial hole.
But then, what it is that makes me attractive? Is it my beauty I’m unaware of, or is it the lack of awareness, itself?
Would you find me as attractive if I owned it?
The more I read on the subject, the harder it is to find an answer. The same BHJ article goes on,
Confidence in one’s own looks, which should be associated with strength and security, is instead equated with loose morals and being easy, further perpetuating the disturbing obsession with insecure women in the media.
As ever, the lines between Hollywood and the real wood become blurred. Our societal standards must’ve, at one point, set the stage for the entertainment industry. And whether it’s still our influence over the silver screen, or vice-versa, we’ve created a pretty toxic atmosphere for ourselves, ladies.
And gents. Obviously. Anyone who follows this blog knows I’m not a fan of divisive discourse of any kind. Thus, while the entertainment industry is heavily dominated by men, I’m not one to point a finger and say whose fault it is.
Or rather, I could be. But I’d rather point that finger at myself, and remember it’s up to me to change it. If not in the holly hills, at least in my private life.
If I shed my cluelessness, would I become a femme fatale?
Honestly, I don’t think I could be a femme fatale if my life depended on it. I’m just not built that way. Not trying to sound cute here, I’m not capable of using looks to manipulate. Might not say the same thing about intellectual superiority. We’re all assholes in some way.
But there are women using their beauty to gain a marked advantage. A cursory glance over online magazines, or forums like Quora shows this is quite a hot button. For men, yes, but also for women.
Because, as with so much in interpersonal dynamics, how one of us acts affects how all of us are treated. The simple existence of beautiful women willing to manipulate men casts doubt over all females.
Yet to answer my own question, I don’t think our world is made up purely of black and white. I don’t believe that you’re either a clueless “I don’t know I’m pretty” type, or a Black Widow. I think there’s room to play between the two.
Like a beautiful, self-aware, self-contained, true-to-gut, confident woman. Because at the end of the day, while it may be nice to use your looks to get certain things (bills paid, cars, club memberships, and whatnot), you’re flexing your weapons against the wrong “target”.
Think about it. If (some) men will give you all those fancy things, being aware of your beauty, what would you give yourself, if you owned up to that beauty? Coming back to all of us ladies held down and back over our own self-doubts, why should self-awareness result in manipulation, when it could spell true libertad?
Not from men. But from our own nagging, cruel, needling, hag-like inner voices that tell us we’re ugly, and unworthy? That hold us back, instead of propelling us forward? If that voice went dumb tomorrow, can you even contain all the tremendous, truly awe-some things you could achieve?
At the end of the day, I find I know little of femme fatales and innocent girls. But I do know it wasn’t society or the men around me who crafted my definition of ‘conventional beauty’. What’s conventional? Blue eyes? Brown? Pronounced jaw? Protruding collarbones? Tight bum? Who decided? I did. So only I can change it.
Thus, to answer my title question, I don’t know if my beauty seeds vulnerability in my relationship with men. But it sure does in my relationship with my higher self.
And that’s the one I choose to focus on right now.
As with some of my other articles here, this is from a female perspective, since it is what I know. I’m well aware there are attractive men who use their good looks maliciously, and if you’d like to talk on that subject in the comments, feel free.
I make a point of tuning out divisive, hateful comments. Therefore, arguments like “It’s all men’s fault” (or vice-versa) will go unanswered. The above is not claiming all women are manipulators, or that all men are. Nor is it saying all men/women are naive, clueless, assholes, saints, or anything in between. So don’t read that sorta thing into it, alright?
Thank you for reading. Guess what. I am actually publishing my first novel this fall. Wild, I know. Meanwhile, I’m gonna be documenting my process/journey/slow descent into madness on here, while also dropping the occasional opinion piece.
So if you’re someone who enjoys that kinda writing, well, why not subscribe? It’s free. And I’m desperate. So there, honesty.
