Mutually Assured Destruction: Why Calling People “Toxic” is Toxic
Do you know that, when you Google why people are toxic, the first two dozen results you get is how you should cope with toxic people?
Not a word about them, or why people act a certain way. Just hits about the toxic people “affecting” you, to soothe our perennial inner singsong of victimhood.
You know why? Because this excessive and gratuitous use of the word “toxic” has surprisingly little to do with the people in question. It’s not about them, it’s about you. More explicitly, it’s about finding another problem in your life, another reason why your life is less than satisfactory.
And that’s where I start asking questions.
First of all, what is a toxic person?
The Internet doesn’t make you search for the answer for too long. In fact, it’s littered with information, diagrams, and helpful questionnaires about who in your life is toxic. And it’s not long before you realize that, by their reckoning, everyone is.
It being the age of the Internet, everything has a cute, compact nickname. Just one more box to fit your problems into. You’ve got “the narcissist”, and the “emotional moocher” and the “drama magnet”. All sound like characters in an absurdist play — which, lately, is what our existence is turning into.
If we’re to listen to ever-helpful guides for fixing your existence, everyone’s toxic. People who talk too much, and people who speak too little. People who ask for your help, and the people who don’t. People who’ve got ideas in their brains, and those who let you come up with ideas for them. We all require sanitation, and a sterile environment to take out all of our nasty, harmful impulses.
In behavioral psychology, the term “toxic” is used to refer to someone who causes harm or distress to others through their words and actions. Negative words and actions. Like cheating, manipulating, insulting, or gas-lighting someone in their circle.
As with most psychological terms, it’s a fairly serious accusation, and one we should not treat lightly. Undoubtedly, there are toxic people out there, and they are causing harm to the people they’re close to. People like that need to be avoided, or at least, kept at arm’s length.
But words have this unnerving habit of losing their meaning and their strength when thrown about lightly. When everyone knows at least five toxic people in their immediate circle, being toxic transitions from a psychological concern to a mere social denominator. Just like people with black hair, or with a crooked nose.
Not everyone you don’t enjoy interacting with is a toxic person.
But when did we go from ‘just a little off’ to full-blown toxicity?
That’s what I can’t wrap my head around. There used to be a time when people worked at relationships, a time when taking people as they came was expected. And even more interestingly, it worked out a lot better for them than this constant branding and subsequent social regression.
It used to be that everyone knew people who were a little off. Maybe your uncle had a way of talking about himself a bit too much, and maybe your best friend would sometimes pick at irrelevant pieces of conversation too keenly. But they were alright. It used to be this way because when you boil right down to it, everyone is a little off.
Someone you know doesn’t respond well to stress.
Someone else gets angry a little too easily.
Someone is socially awkward and needs a little coaxing before speaking their mind.
Someone else, in turn, talks too much about themselves, because they’re trying to cover up devastating social panic.
Nobody’s perfect.
Which, naturally, shouldn’t be an excuse for hurtful behavior. But it could serve as a polite reminder, perhaps. People are difficult. They’re coming at you with their own complex background and baggage made of fears, dreams, and disillusions. And loss.
As such, it’s unlikely they will react as you might like them to, all the time. And instead of telling yourself that maybe they’re having a rough time and that maybe you should take the good with the bad in a person, and not bolt at the first sign of social strain, you label them as “toxic”.
Why calling people “toxic” is toxic
How does one handle “toxic” people? One sets boundaries, apparently. Well, ideally, one confronts them, except we’re not good at confrontation, in this generation, particularly since it’s always easier to “ghost” someone than accept they’re making you miserable.
Besides, if a person truly is “toxic”, then confronting them and telling them why we think they’re wrong won’t have much of an effect, to begin with.
After all, toxic people, in turn, are reacting to their own experience baggage, and what you’re now describing as toxic from the outside, may prove to be a frantic set of defense and coping mechanisms, scrambling to keep that person together. Maybe they’re victims, or perhaps they’ve learned their “toxic” behavior since times long out of memory. As such, do you really think one meager conversation will turn their life around?
Improbable. Human beings are creatures of habit and fear, and good luck trying to chip away at either with a handful of words.
So, if merely talking to them won’t work, what is one supposed to do? Either cut them out (which we rarely do) or treat these people passive-aggressively.
We’ll continue interacting with them, but distantly, and giving ourselves free rein to hurt them, or be nasty if they exhibit any more “toxic” behavior. Or else, we’ll set strict rules that we enforce through emotional manipulation.
I’ll only keep spending time with you if you do the following things…
We seem to have forgotten that with freedom of association comes the right, and the duty, of free dissociation when that particular interaction no longer serves. So rather than leave ourselves stranded and cut off from an intriguing (if nothing else) relationship, we, ourselves, turn toxic.
And what’s worse, we trick ourselves into believing we’re doing the right thing. I need to set strict rules with X, otherwise, they’ll start acting in a way I don’t like.
Calling someone “toxic” isn’t a reflection of their character. It’s a reflection of yours, whilst interacting with them.
Rather, in labeling someone as “toxic”, we’re acknowledging that something in our interaction with this person doesn’t sit right with us. We’re not enjoying an aspect (or perhaps several) of their character, and so expect them to change, to better suit our expectations of this person.
But what if X is that way, by nature? And what if it’s not their demeanor that’s wrong, but rather your whole interaction?
Toxic or just mismatched?
It seems to me that one ought to be labeled as “toxic” only when they mirror the same patterns from one relationship to another. Maybe you know someone with a naturally dismissive temperament, whose company makes you feel like they’re constantly putting you down, and discounting your feelings.
People like that exist (and they’re not good for you).
But before we ascertain their toxicity, we need to observe their interactions with others. Because the person you deem toxic may be wonderful and sweet, in relation to another.
Our circumstances dictate our social interactions.
Sometimes, people will be nasty because they, in turn, are not enjoying this interaction, and are looking to force an ending, somehow. Or perhaps they’re in a bad place right now, emotionally. Perhaps they’re struggling with insecurities of their own, and this is the only way they know how to respond. Maybe they’re on the brink of making a terrible mistake. Maybe they’re trying to extricate themselves from a relationship, and just don’t know how.
… none of this is your fault, of course. And you shouldn’t treat it as such. Again, if interacting with someone is giving you more grief than pleasure, then maybe it’s time you say goodbye.
You are not put on this Earth to fix anyone. Or be someone’s punching bag. Life’s simply far too short.
But maybe you should let them figure out whether they’re doing wrong since they’re the only ones in charge of how they handle other people. And if they don’t fix their issues, their future relationships will suffer.
That is not your mission.
The only person you should call “toxic” is yourself.
We see this sort of thing happening in romantic relationships all the time — and there, we have the quintessential “toxic” person. In a romantic pairing, we’ve agreed to spending a fair amount of time with another human being, so we’ve got a lot more opportunities of growing disenchanted with their character, and eventually, demanding that they change.
I remember one time, I’d agreed to meet up with my (now ex) boyfriend. I remember fuming all the way to him because he’d had the audacity to suggest we spend time in a way I didn’t like. I was so angry and vitriolic — how could this person suggest something so daft?
And then, realization struck — his suggestion was not a direct affront to my person. It was merely a way that this person deemed an appropriate way to spend his time. And my barging in and demanding how and why he’d even dare to think that was oppressive and… much as I hate the word, toxic.
Freedom of association means that you have the right to spend time with people you enjoy spending time with. You, and you alone, get to pick and choose who you involve in your existence and make the most of your time. Blaming someone else for what they deem appropriate social behaviors is selfish and unreasonable. It’s essentially a temper tantrum because they’re not exactly as you’d like them to be.
Except no one in this world is. And you either learn to accept the bad alongside the good or move on with your life. Nobody’s keeping you in a relationship with a “toxic” person, and if you feel like that might be the case, then maybe the toxicity’s coming from you.
Let me end this by saying I’m a firm believer in cutting people out of your life without hesitation. If someone constantly makes you feel depressed, unworthy, or like treading a minefield, then it’s not just your right, but your duty to cut them off.
People don’t always see it like that, though. Part of us enjoys keeping some people around just so we can complain about them later. And if you do that, then maybe you deserve whatever you’re getting.
