If women are a drain on your resources, you’re dating the wrong women.
This morning, reading Louise Perry’s argument against declining birth rates, I came upon a startling comment from another reader.
“Marriage no longer provides any benefits for men and they have come to realise that women and a family are a drain on their resources. Women have a difficult time understanding male interests so they fail to appreciate that young men have many other entertainments available to them.”
To me, the fact that some people think like this is utterly terrifying. Imagine where we’d be now if our ancestors had thought along such toxic lines. Nowhere at all. Exactly.
Through my writing, I’ve regularly interacted with (male) proponents of the Men Going It Alone movement. I have tried and failed to understand the argument there, and as I’ve concluded in a previous article, you’re not better off alone than in a healthy, respectful, thriving relationship. Telling yourself otherwise is delusional, not to mention highly damaging both for your personal development and that of the species.
People who follow this blog o’ mine know the incessant ‘war between sexes’ does not cease to fascinate me. And in an effort to better understand this “war”, I thought I’d break down the above comment.
Quick Note: This is not a diatribe against men, in general. That’s not my style, and plenty of women preach similar arguments, also. Rather, it’s a comment on extremist thinking, how we’ve come to it, and how it risks impacting our society, going forward.
What benefits are you not getting?
For a good few years, as a young girl, I was dead-set against marriage. On the one hand, I had my own less-than-perfect home situation to look at, and on the other, most of the married people I got to know seemed to embody chaotic, unhealthy, and often duplicitous relationships.
As an 18-year-old, I thought…marriage? Screw that.
But then I grew up a bit and started seeing “married adults” in more nuanced ways. I realized many of them were products of faulty, chaotic homes themselves. They didn’t know how to do marriage. I also understood that going from that to “marriage is a scam and it should be abolished” was not only wrong but naive.
If you’re still thinking like that at 35, for instance, you probably missed the exit sign off your Rebellious Teen years. I suggest you go back and look for it.
Obviously, long-term healthy relationships have a plethora of benefits. They represent the possibility of creating a strong bond with another human being, of defining a new home for yourself that will accept you, and welcome you. Your partner can be a constant to hold yourself against and understand your own development. They can be a mirror held up to who you’ve become, and a source of strength.
Most marriages, unfortunately, are not that.
But taking that to mean marriage itself is stupid is childish and uninspired. You can’t blame the concept of marriage for personal unhappiness, since it’s not a concept you’re unhappy with, but rather a person.
There are several reasons why most marriages end up disastrous. Here are the main ones (I think):
a. Most adults are the product of their own childhood trauma and dysfunctional early relationships that have impaired their development. We stay stuck in traumatic, disruptive cycles and relationship patterns because change is a real motherf**ker (Freud puns, welcome). It takes tremendous effort, and often a cataclysmic shift/event in our life to significantly alter our coping mechanisms.
b. We settle for less. And by that, I don’t mean a Hyundai instead of a Mercedes. Far too often, we “take it” instead of standing up for ourselves, and setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. We don’t call out our partner on toxic coping mechanisms, and blame-laying, for fear of ending up alone, and that permeates the cycle.
A good marriage can’t all be milk and honey. You need to have unpleasant conversations and make sure your needs are met. You also need to do your best to meet the other person’s needs. That’s just how fair trade works.
So returning to our original comment, if you’re not getting any benefits out of your marriage, then maybe you should be looking at yourself, not layering blame on the partner. (If it is all your partner’s fault, then what the hell are you still doing in that relationship, anyway?)
A drain on men’s resources
I’ve actually heard this argument before, and it bothers me tremendously. And while the feminist part of me is tempted to berate men, I don’t think it’s that easy an argument. A lot of men seem to begrudge their role as provider (even if that role has dramatically changed from 100, or even 50 years ago).
Which begs the question — why?
It’s baffling to me since this dissatisfaction goes against nature. At its core, the role of provider that’s typically associated with manliness is prosocial. Meaning it carries benefit for our society. Not only that, it’s been found that men who are able to embody that role gain satisfaction from it on a personal level.
What kind of dysfunctional society have we created, then, that makes men actively resent it?
One argument that springs to mind is a recurrent one on my blog, namely that we’ve so bashed anything associated with traditional masculinity that men have grown apprehensive. We all need recognition, appreciation, and love. We all want to be treated like we’re bringing something valuable to the table. When we’re not, we become bitter, resentful, and in some cases, actively dangerous.
Another argument that might explain this stance is that men tend to be subject to more intense scrutiny on the resource front. The good job, the nice apartment, the fine car — men tend to be more forgiving, at least in short-term relationships, of women who don’t have those things, than vice-versa.
Finally, some of us girls are to blame. We love being independent, yet we also love it when he gets the bill or buys us nice things, or pays for certain items for us. And while I’m sure such an arrangement can work well between certain individuals, I do think it can also create a lot of disharmony in a relationship.
Personally, I’ve never been comfortable when the man always got the bill or paid for literally everything. In my own experience, it too often leads to a power imbalance, resentment, and other unhelpful things.
That being said, if you feel a woman, or worse, a family is a “drain” on your resources, maybe you should’ve communicated a little better. Raising a family is hard, and spouses should be honest with each other about expected roles, division of resources, etc.
Sorry, but if you think your family is a drain on your resources, it’s at least partly your fault.
Best for last — Entertainment equal in value to a woman.
This one was certainly my personal favorite, as I’m having a hard time describing the many ways in which it grates. It’s saddening to me that we’ve come to exist in a society where that’s all we are to one another.
Entertainment.
Indeed, with the ascendance of pornography and immersive video games, what need would anyone have for actual interpersonal connection? Aside from the need to have something meaningful, and for someone to truly, really see you before you shed off this mortal coil, and vanish into the ether?
I find the OP’s word choice immensely telling. Concluding that men can find alternative “entertainment” to a woman suggests the primary goal of the modern individual’s life — entertainment and self-gratification.
And there, we’ve got society, and to no small extent, big-buck companies to blame. So much of our existence centers around dopamine rushes and ready-made entertainment. Social media is one grand entertainment carousel, and we’re getting more and more antsy if our petty desires aren’t instantly met.
If I want a cheeseburger at 3 AM, I better have it on my doorstep by 3.15.
Our role as consumer is becoming more cemented with each new gadget, and social media platform. And if we can consume video games, cheeseburgers, niche pornography… why not women, also?
It’s dystopian and frightening that other people have become a commodity, rather than a vital treasure in our existence, and it does not bode well for our shared future. To me, the fact that such reasoning exists is an alarm call, but the optimist in me hopes it might not be too late.
Takeaway, take with?
If you’re coming away with resentment and rage against the original commentator, tone it down. That was not the point, and the more we scoff at men, women, kangaroos, and aliens, the more divided we grow as a society. There’s only room for so much tearing before the entire canvas falls apart. And we’re not that far from the brink.
No. The takeaway, I should hope, is to learn to value yourself, but also the other person. You’re in a relationship with another human being with their own needs, traumas, fears, and desires. Not a screen, and not an entertainment system.
If you want it to work, you better be ready for some unpleasant conversations. You better brace yourself for leaving, if needs be. But also for staying and communicating in the hope that together, we build something better.
Are you a proponent of this “Going It Alone” movement, and feel I’ve misunderstood a point? Then, please, do enlighten me. I welcome civilized, well-argued discourse. It’s how we both grow.
Disclaimer: This isn’t a ‘my opinion is better than yours’ post. It’s a ‘this is my opinion, period’ post. If you disagree, you’re welcome to share your view in a civilized manner. Or just walk away. You don’t have to agree with everything on the Internet.
