Going It Alone — Are Men Really Better Off? Are Women?
A few months back, I penned a piece entitled “We need to stop holding men to a double standard”, and promptly forgot about it, as is my nature. Until my e-mail starting pinging me with all sorts of reactions, be it comments or claps for the piece. Which invited me to look over it, again.
Now, in case we never met, let me tell you a bit about myself. I’m hot-headed, and impulsive. I can be unilateral in my view in the moment, and this often leads me to make a point for one argument without considering that the truth, more often than not, lies somewhere in the middle.
However, almost none of the responses to my article wrote to tell me that. Instead, they seemed to fall into one of two categories — either women appalled at the idea that men might ever be the victim, or that their standards might be too high, or men agreeing that women are just so gosh-darn difficult. To put it more succinctly, as one responder excellently observed, they were either MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) or WGTOW (Women Going Their Own Way).
But what happened with sharing the road?
The article was by no means a “burn them at the stake” piece against either sex, so the caustic response, I felt, was largely unjustified. Which means it wasn’t a response to me, but rather, the culture we live in. And that’s a culture that’s overwhelmingly divided, and encouraging of all conflicts, big or small.
A culture that tells you, 24/7, that you are in the right.
Here’s the thing, though, it’s also telling your “opponent” that. Society can be sneaky like that. So, if I were a woman prone to blasting men as wasteful, and not bringing anything to a relationship (actual comment), I would quickly find a chunk of society that tells me “you go, girl”. But at the same time, there’s a different part of society, telling whichever man inspired my rage that he was right, and that I was over the top.
So both of us, instead of trying to settle our differences and find common ground, decide to “go our own way”, because we’ve been led to believe we are right.
News Flash: No one is right.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, which is why many set it aside, and forget about it. But more often than not, there is no universal answer to conflict. And men and women are presently engaged in conflict, and it’s fueled by these toxic “go your own way” groups, telling young people they’re better off alone.
You are better off alone, than in a damaging, toxic relationship. You are not better off alone, than with anyone.
That’s just a stupid, reductive approach to the situation. But it works, and it seems to be quite a popular approach, because it feeds on a basic human fear, one that could most correctly be described as “once bitten, twice shy”.
Give you an example, the first time I got on a bike, I fell and hurt my leg. And while it’s natural to take a break, and be more careful after that, you’d call it an exaggeration if I said I’m never getting on a bike, again, and that all bikes are stupid and evil.
“But think of all the wonderful sights you’ll miss.”
Exactly.
Now obviously, most people aren’t put off dating by one bad experience, but by several. And how many falls are enough to justify never getting on a bike, again? Well, there is no number to justify that, but maybe because the way I see it, the risk is part of the thrill of the ride. Nobody rides to get hurt. But it can be argued that the risk heightens the satisfaction, when you manage to ride upright, and not get hurt, and take in the wonderful scenery.
Anyway, enough with the bike analogy.
For the individual, this reluctance to try again stems from a primal fear of getting hurt even worse. But we seem to have progressed past the individual, and have moved on to a society that takes advantage of this “once bitten, twice shy” reluctance of the individual to separate, and isolate us from one another.
A perpetual age of victimhood
I think a considerable part of the problem is the constant focus on self-victimization. It’s a “me” generation in a “me” world that allows me to always be right, and you to always be wrong.
What do I mean by that? That instead of taking a frank, if somewhat harsh realistic look at your previous relationships, and why they failed, you automatically blame it on the other person, and even worse, on an entire sex, which is mad.
Dating one asshole shouldn’t be enough to catalogue all men as assholes. Dating ten of them shouldn’t either. Instead, it should serve as an invitation to reevaluate your approach to dating.
A lot of people get offended by this, they immediately jump up and attack the “other side”. But here’s the thing, no one’s saying the last ten guys weren’t assholes.
It’s not you or them. Maybe it’s both. So maybe you have had a long string of half-assed, subpar partners, which have led you to make a generalization, saying they’re all assholes.
Yet that seems to be defying a basic concept of our world. If one thing mysteriously falls out of my bag, I’ll assume it was a freaky occurrence. If ten things fall, I’ll examine my bag for holes. If my workout routine doesn’t yield any results, I won’t assume all exercises are mean, but rather that I have an improper workout. Easy enough, it’s a concept we apply to mostly anything, except ourselves.
So maybe instead of decrying the sex you’re dating, maybe you should start looking at yourself. I don’t think you’re the asshole. Just that you’re attracting assholes. And maybe it’s time you figured out why, and how to stop.
What does going it alone mean?
Let me say I’m a big proponent of being comfortable with your own company. I think that’s a great value. Yet I don’t think you should be so comfortable so as to actively shun other human beings forever.
I admit I’m not very familiar with the MGTOW movement, so if that’s something you have experience with, please do share, as I would love to understand more of the world we presently inhabit.
As such, my comments may be off-center, but I will make them, anyway. It is the prerogative awarded by our self-centered, entitled world :)
Perusing MGTOW literature, I see some common “benefits” for the man are maintaining financial freedom, focusing on I assume professional success, “escaping the trap” of alimony, and so on, and so forth.
Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. You should be who you are, and you shouldn’t let others take advantage of you.
But what about all the things you’re missing out on?
Assuming that a woman will move you off-track, and impair your professional perspectives is a very delusional, and dangerous approach. Yes, some relationships can be like that, but assuming all of them are, you’re missing out on finding a partner who supports you and your dreams, and can make you grow immeasurably. Many renowned entrepreneurs, and artists, both men and women, point to family as the bedrock that has guided their success. Among them, Ursula Burns, the first Black CEO in Fortune 500 (thank you sublimus for the link).
And yet, plenty of men and women are capable of achieving roaring success on their own, so maybe that’s not an arguable “loss”.
Financial freedom, as far as a child isn’t concerned is a dicey subject, one that should be navigated in all relationships with care that both partners are satisfied, and don’t feel taken advantage of. As is sex, household chores, and anything in a relationship. It’s how they work, so by saying you’ll be taken advantage of only indicates you are not a good negotiator.
Sexually, I wonder, what this means for men. Again, I don’t know this community, and won’t make judgment on it. I just wonder, since sex is, after all, a prime physical human impulse, how does MGTOW replace that?
In my experience of the world, a sexless, isolated life often leads to frustration. And frustrated, bitter people can cause no end of harm and destruction.
And if it’s based on the suggestion that you can “take care of your own needs”, and replace human interaction with pornography, that’s an even more terrifying prospect. Especially now with so much evidence that pornography has a damaging effect on the viewer.
What else do you miss by going your own way? Kids. The dreaded alimony check. Okay, but even assuming the woman you have a child with is the sort of self-centered, profiteering b!t@h who’s only in it for the alimony, there are few (if any) things in this life as enriching and rewarding as raising a child, or even having a meaningful relationship with your own offspring.
Now, I know there are men out there who don’t get to be a part of their child’s life and suffer as a result. I think that’s tragic. but to look at that, and say, I’m better off not having a child, at all. And better yet, avoiding women in general seems so sad.
note — while I’ve focused on MGTOW, I think the above is true about WGTOW, also. Or at least, the same questions, and potential downsides apply.
We enjoy the conflict.
One takeway for me, from the unexpected popularity of my article was this — we live for conflict. I dare say some of my other articles were more interesting, as they dealt with more complex psychological subjects. I certainly had more fun with those, than the one about men vs women.
But there’s the rub, in suggesting it’s men vs. women, you immediately “invite” conflict, which was evident in the replies. People defending their side, decrying the injustices suffered, but rarely stopping to ask
Okay, how do we work through this?
If we each go our own way, that will leave a shattered, lonely, and scared society. And that is not what we should be aiming for.
General Note: Many readers seem to take these articles way too personally. I am not generalizing to the extent where I think all men/women are like this. But a portion of them are, and that’s who this article is about. If you do not find yourself in that portion, that’s all good and well.
