Female Complicity: If You’ve Ever Ditched Your Friends for a Guy…
We’ve all done it, at one point or another, but hopefully, once the initial magic of your first few relationships subsides, you know better… or at least, you should. The no-brainer logic behind “don’t ditch your friends for a guy” is generally that they’ll be there even when Guy X is long gone. If you think about it, there’s about a 50/50 chance that you and your present soulmate will break up sometime in the next five years, right? Even if you don’t, and go on to have a nice, long marriage, stats show men die earlier than women. And since it’s not uncommon for women to go out with guys who are a little older already, chances are, you’ll end up on this Earth without your SO at some point.
And what will you do, then?
Not to mention, who’s gonna organize your hen-do? Who’s gonna be by your side, as bridesmaid, or accompany you when you go shopping for cutesy baby stuff? Your friends, so the bottom line here is, don’t be an asshole.
Yet this logic strikes me as a tad simplistic. Yes, your friends are very likely to be there when your brand new boyfriend’s outta the picture, and that should be a good enough reason not to ditch them at the first sign of d!ck.
But that seems like a colossal understatement of the joy of female complicity. By ditching your friends, you’re missing out on so much. I think we can all agree that romantic relationships are wildly subjective, and heavily influenced by a strong sense of lust, at least in the first few months of your relationship. As such, the way you’re currently feeling about Guy X isn’t the best indicator of compatibility.
On the other hand, your friendships, which you’ve probably been nurturing for years at this stage (or are, perhaps, just learning how to fit into your life), are unencumbered by deceitful impulse. To put it simply, you hang out with your friends ’cause you think they’re genuinely good, likable people. Not because you wanna bang.
So here’s a bunch of stuff to keep in mind next time you find yourself blowing off your friends for some dude:
Female complicity equals true queendom.
So much of our time and energy is spent putting other ladies down, or feeling bad ’cause we haven’t got so-and-so’s tits, or so-and-so’s booty. But when you allow yourself to go beyond that, and stop viewing the women around you as potential threats, you open yourself up to a world of immense enjoyment and power.
There is something sacred, like this deep healing power in the company of other women, and it’s not something any other type of relationship in your life will give you. Not all girls, obviously. But if you’re lucky enough to have found one or two special ladies who make you feel tethered and understood, then you’d be a tremendous fool to endanger the sanctity of that relationship.
And people take this the wrong way, they argue that a real friend wouldn’t get mad at you for ditching them. Except, how does that work? Every relationship needs to be preserved and nurtured. Obviously no true friend gets mad if you blow them off one time for a good reason, but if it becomes a constant problem, then this relationship stops being beneficial or healing for them. So they move on.
Now, maybe you’re fine with that, maybe you think it doesn’t matter. But don’t let a positive, light energy walk out of your life for the sake of some temporary rush. In the long run, it’s not a worthwhile trade.
It says more about your insecurities than about your “love”.
A common explanation we give ourselves is “oh, we’re so in love with Guy X that we can’t tear ourselves away”. And sometimes it feels like that, sometimes it might even be the case. But sometimes, we’re just using Guy X to fill a personal lack. I don’t wanna generalize, obviously some people are in genuine head-over-heels relationships. Only you can know your own truth.
But maybe it’s been a while and you’re no longer in that lovey-dovey phase. Maybe you’re not that “crazy in love” with your guy. ’Cause sometimes, we’re not. Sometimes, Guy X is there just so that we don’t feel alone, and have someone to take us out on Saturday night. He justifies your life in a way. You’re not drifting, and instead of taking a good hard look at all the things making you unhappy right now, you can just go out for drinks with Guy X.
Here’s the thing, though. Truly strong and “right” relationships should propel you upward. They should encourage you to face your fears, spend time doing things that make you happy (including hanging out with your friends). They shouldn’t be there as a buffer between you and your insecurities. Because that’s how you end up stuck in unhappy relationships.
Friends help us grow in a different way.
There’s a reason why you should be friends with your romantic partner, first and foremost. Because it sets the relationship on a different ground. Our friends act as objective observers — not in the sense they don’t care, but in the sense that they can smell our bullsh!t, even when we’re a little nose-blind. They help keep us on track, and steer us away from harmful practices/people.
In fact, the way your true friends see you is one of the most important faces of your character. You’re not their baby, and you’re not their spouse in charge of picking up the kids. To them, you are this unique human being, with independent thoughts and emotions, whom they genuinely want to have a conversation with. And I’m not saying Guy X doesn’t, just that they let you be a truer you than you can sometimes be with your partner. They’re this other person who wants to know how you see the world. ’Cause maybe you caught something they missed, or vice-versa.
It seems problematic to me that sometimes, we treat friends and partners interchangeably. Like whether we’re hanging out with Guy X or with our friends is good with us, as long as we’re not alone. Plot twist: if you’re using the people in your circle just as a barrier against loneliness, then you’re in for a world of hurt later down the line. Trust me.
Thing is, time spent with Guy X will change and enrich your life in a different way than time spent with your close friends. And you should seize as many enrichment opportunities as you get, ’cause you’re not gonna get all that many.
So maybe, try to find a way to balance your love life and your social circle. And before your mind jumps to the obvious solution: maybe it’d be better to keep them separate. While it’s healthy for your boyfriend to come hang out with your friends occasionally, his tagging along every single time can get draining and unhealthy quickly. Why? Because it encourages you to define yourself in terms of Guy X and your relationship with him, whereas relationships should enrich your life. Make it better. Not define it.
And hey, don’t worry about being mean — Guy X would probably hate it if you wanted to tag along every time he hung out with his friends. In even the best relationships, we need a little independence.
Note: Obviously, I’m talking about ladies actively choosing to neglect their friends over a guy here, in more or less healthy relationships. A common trait of toxic partners is that they try to pry you away and isolate you from your social circle. I don’t think it’s that easy, if you’re in a toxic relationship, to change that trend. Though I do think your friends will be an important part of what helps you break out of a toxic loop. :)
